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At First My Husband Agreed To A Separation But Now He Says That Our Marriage Won’t Work
I sometimes hear from wives who are struggling to come up with a workable plan after their estranged husband tells them that, at least in his opinion, the marriage isn’t going to work. Most of the time, the wife disagrees with this assessment because she hoped to save her marriage all along.
I heard from a wife who said: “My husband and I separated for about three months. After all, I made no secret of the fact that I hoped it was only temporary. My husband agreed to call it a trial separation. So I was hopeful that we would eventually find our way back to each other. We see each other a few times a month, mostly because he would agree. I have repeatedly asked him to go to counseling because I think it would really help us. He refused. The other day, I asked him again if he would just go to a counseling session. That’s when he announced that our marriage was not going to work. I asked why he would say such a thing. And his response to me was that he did it. Saying because it’s true. Why can he decide it won’t work? And how does he know it won’t? Will it work even if he doesn’t try? Do I have to accept his opinion?” I will try to address these concerns below.
Know that a person’s opinion is not reality: Needless to say, this wife was absolutely terrified and worried that her marriage was over. I understand this as I have felt the same way. But I want to tell you that until your divorce is actually final, I don’t think you should blindly accept it as the final truth. Honestly, I’ve seen too many marriages when one spouse was convinced it was over. People change their minds all the time. Conditions improve frequently.
So just because your husband may be having a bad day or is particularly resistant to counseling and trying to get out of it, that doesn’t mean he’s going to feel this way next month or next week. I’m not asking you to ignore reality. However, I know that things can change. And if I had accepted my husband’s claim early in our separation that our marriage was over, we would not be married today.
Why it might be a good idea to step back temporarily: I could be wrong, but I suspect that the husband’s claim that the “marriage isn’t working” is based in part on his reluctance to pursue counseling and his resistance to his wife’s constant insistence that they are “working” on their marriage.
Since it was clear that the husband was incredibly resistant to this strategy, this might mean backing off from the same strategy. Honestly, sometimes you have more success saving your marriage when you don’t announce your strategy and game plan very clearly. Sometimes, you just need to focus on very small improvements that give you quick and successful results that allow you to gain momentum and build.
So it might mean responding with something like: “Well, I’m so sorry to hear that because I think our marriage can work. Right now, all I want for the immediate future is to maintain a healthy relationship with you.” . Our relationship is too important to me to let it go because we are both disappointed. I understand that our relationship may go through some changes in the future, but for now, I just want to hold on to the bond that we have even if our relationship eventually changes. . I want us to have a carefree and easy relationship again, whatever we call that relationship.”
Understand that this whole conversation is to set up some future progress. You are letting him know that you are not going to pressure him anymore. You emphasize that you want things to be light and easy between you instead of heavy and hard. And, if she knows you’re not going to make huge demands and requests of her, she’ll be less likely to resist you.
Accept small gains. Don’t think your marriage has to work perfectly right away: Since your husband insists that he doesn’t think your marriage is going to work, I know you may be tempted to overcompensate just to show him. But sometimes, I think we focus on goals that are too big under the circumstances. When a man draws a line in the sand and declares that he doesn’t want to go any further, he will often resist you when he sees that you are trying to move on anyway.
Instead, you’ll often find more success if you don’t push it and instead settle for small wins. Take a few minutes together over a cup of coffee instead of demanding she spend hours in the counselor’s office. Try to make your time together fun and low-key. You want him to understand that the relationship between you can be very easy or without much work or effort from either of you. Honestly, you don’t need to bring up every single thing in your marriage right now. This may happen after you reconnect.
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