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How Do I Make My Husband Miss Me During The Separation So That He’ll Want To Come Back?
I strongly believe that divorce does not have to be the end of your marriage. In fact, I believe that a separation that allows time and distance to work on the marriage actually makes both more committed to being together and more determined to make things work. The reason for the change of heart is often mixed with the fact that distance allows both people to see how much they really care and miss the other person. It makes them realize that they cannot live without their spouse and they don’t want to be alone.
Many people who interact with me a lot realize that their spouse must miss them during the separation. They know that this is a very important piece of the puzzle. But they are not sure how to best accomplish this. I often hear comments like: “My husband is the one who wanted the separation. He started it. I didn’t want it but agreed because it felt like it was my only choice instead of a divorce. I know it’s important that he misses me. When we’re apart but he doesn’t seem to. Every time I call him, he seems busy. Every time I try to see him face to face, he brushes me off. If I point blankly, ask him if he misses me, he tells me. Doesn’t answer directly or she’ll say something like ‘a little’. It’s hard to have any hope when she responds to me like this. Am I doing something wrong? I try not to bother her so much but if I wait for her to contact me , I’m afraid he never will.”
In the next article, I’ll give you some tips to encourage your husband to miss you during a breakup so that hopefully it will make him want to come back to you too.
Understand that this process sometimes takes patience. In the beginning, he’s probably just feeling his way and hasn’t yet processed how he really feels: A common problem I see is that he has a real tendency to get so uncomfortable and worried when he’s gone that you want to reach out too quickly. You are looking for validation or some good sign to feel better.
But what you may not realize at the time is that husbands who initiate separation often want to take their time during it. Many people tell me that they wanted a breakup because they wanted to see how they would feel in another scene. They wanted time to process their feelings without having a conversation with you while doing so. So, sometimes when you start asking how much he misses you, he’ll actually back off even more because he thinks you’re rushing him.
Often, he hadn’t yet reached the point where he thought much about his feelings. He’s just trying to ease into this day by day – and then slowly, he’ll start to see how it feels to him. But if you push, you’re making it more likely that you won’t get the answer you want.
Understand what it takes for a man to miss a woman during a breakup: Many women feel as if they have to control every aspect of their husband’s life when he is away. They know they’ve reached it, but fear takes over and they can’t help it. Because they’re worried that if they back off and he has too much fun, meets someone else, or decides he’s really happy and content alone, it would be a huge mistake to let them go, even just a little bit.
I understand this. I went through this process myself and made many similar mistakes. But what I eventually realized was that my forcing the subject wasn’t going to do what I wanted. My constant showing up and coming on too strong didn’t convince me that any of my fears weren’t going to happen. They actually made my husband see me more negatively. But backing down at least gave me a chance that she would look at me more positively.
And that’s really your whole goal. You want him to go to a place where he has a quiet moment to himself, reflects on you and decides that there were some really good times that might be recaptured. Without the constant presence of fighting, insecurity, and conflict, he may think about you in positive rather than negative ways.
This is why it is so important that if you suspect that what you are doing is bringing about these negative reactions, you should change your strategy and consider whether there is any change in his appearance or reaction.
Use restraint when you approach your husband. And, for the contact you initiate, try to force yourself to wait until he does the following: If you’re the only one making all the effort to communicate, things are going to feel one-sided to both you and your husband. This is why I recommend backing off when you feel some resistance. And you probably know your husband well enough to know when this is happening.
I believe that, as hard as it may be, it’s better to have too little contact with him than too much. If it’s too low, chances are she’s reaching out to you because she’s wondering why she hasn’t heard from you. If you decide to approach her or “just happen” to bump into her, use restraint when it happens. You may feel like you want to talk and talk and admit how much you miss him and don’t want to be without him. But try to force yourself to stop it.
Because the idea is really to leave him wanting more. You want each encounter to end well so that it leads to another. And, when you first initiate contact, it’s always best to allow him to take the next step. Or at least wait until enough time has passed between each encounter. Desperation is easy to spot and it usually doesn’t motivate him to come back to you. This motivates him to avoid you.
Consider keeping things light and brief with technology if you can’t stop face-to-face communication right now (eg texting, Facebook, etc. 🙂 Some women contact me and tell me that although they understand these principles, they have a hard time with them in real life. I often have them tell me something like, “I want to play it cool. I’ll mentally brace myself and try to act very casual, but the second I see him, I cry, I get emotional, and the jig is up. He’s on me.” You can take one look and understand how I feel.”
If this is the situation you find yourself in, you might consider trying to use technology – text, email, Facebook messaging, etc. That way, he can’t see or hear you. Your words may seem too casual, flirtatious and light even if your emotions are something. I literally had to go out of town for a while to force myself to get away for a bit. And you know what? This made all the difference.
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