A Made-Up Story That Explains Something That People Do Understand Tips For When You’re Separated But Want To Reconcile With Your Spouse

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Tips For When You’re Separated But Want To Reconcile With Your Spouse

I often have people tell me that they live with heightened anxiety when they are separated from their spouse. They are often in quite a bit of pain and they assume the worst as it seems as if their lives are in turmoil. I totally understand that. The period when my husband and I separated was the most painful and frightening of my life. However, looking back now, I realize there were things I could have done that would have made it smoother. I probably could have spared myself a lot of pain. So in the following article, I’ll offer some tips on how to best handle a trial divorce so that it goes as smoothly as possible and so you have the best chance of improving or saving your marriage rather than ending it.

Don’t assume your marriage is over: I can’t tell you how common it is for people to think that the beginning of a divorce means the end of their marriage. Of course, they hope that’s not true. But deep in their hearts, they fear that it is.

While this is understandable, it is very important that you do not allow any doubt that you have to cloud your judgment and influence your actions. Yes, I know it’s scary. But often, if you fear one thing so much that you align every thought or action with it, you’re almost certainly fearing that thing the most.

Couples who separate do not divorce. Many do not. Some not only save their marriages, they make their marriages better. And, the even better news is that your actions, behaviors, and strategies can influence what’s happening now. It’s not like you have any control over the outcome. you do So be careful not to give up before you have a fighting chance. I know first hand that this is a scary time, but do your best to think positively, knowing that it will give you the best chance for success and make it easier to bear.

Try to agree on specifics before someone moves on: I know it can be painful and awkward to talk about how often you will meet or communicate with each other in advance. But this is almost always going to be the best call. Once a breakup begins, one of the biggest problems with conflict is unmet expectations. Often, one person will guess something while another person guesses another. When expectations or hopes are not met, people feel hurt or they assume the worst. All of this can be avoided by outlining what will happen before someone moves away and misunderstandings begin. Try to agree as much as you can so you both know what to expect

Outline what you will do to improve the situation. Vow to be proactive, not reactive: Many people blindly hope that time and distance work for them. In other words, they make themselves up and they hope for the best. I’m not going to tell you that this is an impossible strategy. Often, a breakup shows both people that they have taken each other for granted, and they often miss each other so much that they are motivated to move on better.

But, the problem with this is that even when motivation levels are up, sometimes nothing is done to work through the issues that led to the breakup to begin with. So, while that issue may not resurface in the reunion phase, it waits until your relationship is under strain again. It brings doubts and insecurities which can lead to more problems.

In short, if you can commit to working through your problems (and if it’s easy for you to do so even after the divorce is over), you’ll have more confidence in your marriage. And, as a result, you’ll be much less likely to have it happen again.

Don’t do something you’ll regret later. Remember that you are still married: Sometimes when there’s so much doubt about what’s going to happen with the future of your marriage, it can seem like what you’re doing today doesn’t matter anyway. One of the biggest things that hinders reconciliation is when one or both spouses engage in behavior during the separation that endangers their marriage. People will often act in ways they would never consider when they weren’t different. And in a sense it is understandable because you are vulnerable and under a lot of pressure. Therefore, letting off some steam can feel pretty good. Or, it might be tempting to go out for drinks with that smart colleague because it will boost your self-esteem at a time when it’s sorely needed.

However, I strongly feel that you should resist these temptations. You’re still married and I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen marriages end because one or both spouses started dating others during the separation. Don’t do anything that jeopardizes your marriage and know that your spouse might find out something you were sure was a secret.

Know that building yourself up and handling yourself with dignity will only help your marriage in the long run: People often inhibit self-care when they are separated. Understandably, all their focus is on their spouse, on their marriage and what is wrong. But honestly, there’s probably never been a better time to work on yourself. First, you probably have extra time right now. Second, it will often make you feel productive and give you some relief. Third, it will probably make you look more attractive to your husband. I know it’s easy to sit at home and discuss your situation, but doing so doesn’t bring your husband closer to you. But, if he sees that you’re creating the best things because you love and respect yourself enough to do it, then he’s going to follow suit. By doing this you make yourself valuable enough to make you feel more valuable to others. And your perceived value may be important right now.

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