A-Story-That-Will-Convince-You-To-Stop Saying Let Me Know If You Need Anything My Spouse Wants A Separation And Refuses To Let Me Explain Myself

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My Spouse Wants A Separation And Refuses To Let Me Explain Myself

It never seems very fair when your spouse wants to leave you or divorce you. There is always the feeling that he could have been more patient, more open-minded or more willing to compromise. And it feels especially unfair when he won’t let you talk to explain himself—especially if it’s your actions that brought it on in the first place.

A wife might explain: “My husband is angry with me because I told him I was going out of town to see my sister when in fact I was with an old girlfriend that my husband doesn’t approve of. I was his best friend. This person is my life.” A time I’m not proud of. I used to drink alcohol and do risky things when I was friends, but I’ve turned my life around. My husband thinks this friend was a terrible influence on me and he likes someone I like. No. I think it was a mutual agreement between us (although we never talked about it in detail) that I was not to contact this friend anymore. And I respected that. Except when my friend called me and told me. told me that her mother had died and that she was having a hard time keeping calm after that. I felt strongly that I needed to spend some time with her to help her and help her overcome those urges. Don’t tell my husband. Because I knew he wouldn’t agree. I think it’s fair to say that I lied, but I felt I had a legitimate reason to do so. Well, my husband called my sister and I freaked out. Now he thinks I went and met my friend because we are both using again. And whenever I try to reassure her that it’s not true or I try to explain myself, she’ll interrupt me and angrily say that she doesn’t want to hear it and she doesn’t like being lied to. He won’t listen to me. He won’t let me explain myself. I feel absolutely sick that I could lose my marriage over something like this. How can I get him to listen to me?”

Seeing things from your husband’s perspective can help you come up with a plan that will help you overcome these obstacles. Right now, he’s probably wondering what else you’ve lied about? (Of course, you know you haven’t lied and you won’t continue to lie to him.) But right now, he’s caught between his emotions and his fears—at least for this particular moment. He is probably also thinking ahead and wondering what he would do if he found himself in the position of a spouse who was abusing substances. You know it won’t come here, but it doesn’t.

I would say that currently, your hurdle is twofold. You want to find a way to get him to listen and eventually trust you. And, you want to find a way to convince her that she has nothing to worry about because not only did you not use drugs or alcohol, but you won’t lie to her again. (This also leaves open the question of whether you’re willing to let your friend go, or if you want to negotiate some kind of contact with her so you don’t have to try to hide it.) I’m certainly not a mental health expert and maintaining contact with your friend I’m not at all qualified to say whether that’s a good idea. I would hope you are talking to a professional about this and I would probably suggest bringing your husband to a session to talk openly about it. Maybe the information is coming from someone else instead of you, he might listen a little more. But counseling is always an excellent option, especially in such situations.

Alternatively, is there a mutual friend or family member who can talk to him on your behalf? Since he’s not listening to you right now, maybe allowing someone else he already knows and trusts to deliver the message to him might work. Or, you can try writing him a letter and ask him to read it when he’s ready.

Once he’s calmed down, he can start asking himself if he’s noticed any behavior from you that indicates you’re using or keeping too much privacy. Hopefully, he will answer honestly and realize there are no red flags. But you need to be clear that you can’t lie to him about this anymore. Because he might give you the benefit of the doubt once, but he might not twice if you do it again. You don’t want to jeopardize your marriage over something that really should be in the past. If you want to be in your friend’s life, this is something you need to discuss. But if you say one thing to your wife and do another, you have to look at it from her point of view. He feels betrayed and is probably worried about what this betrayal really means. And, he’s probably worried about you too.

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