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Help for Men to Relate So Women Will Love Them
The ‘avoidant insecure’ personality type
“My strength is my common sense and rational thinking”
You’re an ‘avoidant’ if you find yourself running away from conflict – or more accurately, the intense emotional upheaval that comes with conflict. While most avoiders will simply leave the house, go to a quiet place, or stay late for work, others will self-medicate with alcohol, drugs, gambling, overeating, or any other activity that masks unpleasant feelings or makes better alternatives more attractive. Feeling more often men than women, avoiders also tend to spend their lives focused on getting, working, or participating in activities at the expense of the relationship in some way—which is often on a different page to their partners. Although you will enjoy relationships, you will tend to take your relationships for granted a bit and therefore risk losing them.
Some characteristics of avoidant insecure behavior
1. Avoidants prefer to focus on tasks and derive great pleasure from performing them. If someone interrupts you at work, you will probably be annoyed or at least a little frustrated (mostly avoidant men) because your focus on ‘doing’ will be interrupted. Being good at getting things done and focused is a strength, but your relationships will be more important in the long run and so it can allow you to let go of work and focus on those you care about most.
2. Although avoidants may have intense conversations during lovemaking, it may soon stop. You’re probably not a big talker, although you might push yourself to be socially involved. However, you’ll usually run out of steam sooner rather than later. You may be an excellent communicator during the wedding and honeymoon period (when the feelings were positive and strong) but this can lead to minimal talking points once ‘real’ life resumes. As a new relationship progresses, your partner may be mystified as to why this once passionate talker now seems so out of touch. The truth is, avoiders aren’t big on emotional or social connections, so they don’t engage in long emotional or intimate conversations as a rule. The exception is when logical concepts are being exchanged. Like religion, politics etc. However, you can learn to be engaged without trying to solve the other person’s emotional drama.
3. If you are passionate about something, you will be able to hold the floor for hours defending your opinion. You probably approach the world from the point of view of reason and logic and may struggle to understand why people are so emotional. Whenever there is an argument, you can, and usually will, advance the reasons behind your comments, behavior or point of view. It can be especially frustrating for you when your partner reacts emotionally to a point of view and then refuses to listen to any arguments or explanations that you are so eager to offer. Your strength lies in being logical, but remember that relationships also require you to come to terms with feelings, whether they are occurring within you or the other person.
4. Avoiding your own feelings, and especially the intense feelings of others, has probably been a lifelong pattern for you. Of course you have feelings, but may well feel that those feelings are just annoying and should not be given any attention. You are unlikely to notice that the world is a collection of feelings, and when they are felt, your style is to override them with logic. This is a disaster in relationships, because people relate to what they think is good and shy away from what is not. Feelings, then, are a barometer for what’s going on in a relationship and only by noticing them can a relationship get back on track. Key feelings you probably feel a lot include shame, fear of failure, inadequacy, hopelessness, defensiveness, pressure to perform or succeed, and hurt. You are most likely to get angry when your frustration or pressure to complete a task or support others increases, or your partner insists on being ‘unreasonable’.
5. Getting things organized and organized is more important than the human relationships involved. So, your Type Car may tend to be rather controlling or forceful on what to do. You can get anxious if the ducks don’t line up as they should, and run roughshod over those who seem relaxed and more anxious to talk. Your strength usually lies in being organized, but you have to ask yourself when choosing the value you can place on your relationship, and being ‘right’, remains a priority. Consider allowing more chaos if harmony is a consequential benefit.
6. Avoidants can appear difficult, uncaring, and unfeeling when they are resistant and defensive. Your type can withdraw, be very argumentative, and easily lose your sympathy and empathy. It can dig you into a deep hole when it comes to relationships. Your partner may be left feeling more alone, ignored, unloved, uncared for and initially resentful and ultimately angry. The way forward is to be engaged and as open-minded as possible. Step back from being resistant or defensive as soon as possible, recognize that you’re really in no danger of being emotionally overwhelmed, and try to connect with warmth, touch, or caring and loving gestures.
7. Giving up on solving problems and just listening to them is a ‘must’ for avoiders. Because they are so task focused, this personality style naturally tries to fix their partners’ concerns. Often, their partners don’t want to solve their problems. They want their feelings to be heard, understood and sympathized with. Avoidants can turn their fixing skills into fixing through quality listening, especially to how their partner is feeling.
8. Most avoiders can learn to listen to both their own and their partner’s feelings. It’s true that this skill is usually somewhat unpracticed. If your partner wants their feelings to be heard, reflected, and taken seriously, reflective listening will make a big difference in the relationship. But it can feel like a challenge and it can take practice to transform from a sensitive runner to a sensitive sitter and listener. When avoidants come to appreciate the central role of feelings in relationships, they can begin to work with them. Most partners of avoiders will appreciate you talking about yourself and what’s going on in your world, especially your life and how you feel about them.
9. Know that avoiders want quality, meaningful, heart-felt relationships, but often don’t realize it until they’re no longer in a relationship. Never let work, chores and other distractions dominate your life. Deep down you want to love and be loved, nurture and nurture. Make sure you balance your life so that your primary relationship is given the time it needs. You are unlikely to be happy without a partner who you can love and be loved by. On your deathbed, one more day of quality relationships will mean more to you than one more day of achievement.
10. Avoidants have a high need for ‘alone’ time. We all have personal needs that we must meet, and high among these for this personality is the need for alone time. This means down time, exercise time, relaxation time, hobby time, etc. If you don’t get enough alone time, you may feel like the relationship is overwhelming and consuming you. Talk to others about how to balance alone time, relationship time, family time, and work time.
11. To come back out of your cave after feeling defensive, resistant, angry, or stuck, do an activity that uplifts your feelings. Activities like walking can help, but you may still find yourself wondering what went wrong with your partner. Try an activity such as listening to uplifting music, reading a good book or watching a TV program that moves you. It must be something that changes a down mood to an upbeat one. Then you’ll be in a better place to talk to your partner.
12. Discuss and meet the needs that will help you avoid this unfulfilling state of mind. Reflect on what it is that isn’t working for you in your relationship, and when you’re feeling better, take steps to let your partner know what you want that didn’t happen when you were upset. Take time to tune in to your needs, and take time to practice communicating constructively.
13. Anxious Insecure personality types may be difficult for you to understand. That is until you appreciate each other’s personality styles and work. While neither you nor the person concerned can change your underlying personality traits, you can choose new ways of behaving that bridge and work with differences. You will need a down to earth rational discussion about this to know how to proceed in future.
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