Beta-Life Stories From An A-Life Future When It Changed Choosing Unconditional Love

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Choosing Unconditional Love

“If you cannot love yourself unconditionally, you will fail to love someone else unconditionally.”

In ‘The Power of Stories’ I wrote about how the stories we tell about ourselves and what we deserve from life create our reality. In the Self Mastery Program, the first of the eight principles is confidence and one of the key exercises is the ability to uncover these deep seated stories and begin to rewrite the ones that no longer serve us.

However, underlying these stories is a fundamental question: “Do you love yourself unconditionally?”

Most people immediately answer “of course I do” when asked this, but a bit of questioning often reveals doubt. For example, imagine that it is late in the day, the phone rings, you answer it, and after talking to your sister, you realize that you forgot your mother’s birthday.

When you lay in bed that night did you berate yourself for being such a forgetful tweeter or did you graciously forgive yourself and resolve to find better ways to remember things in the future?

Or imagine you’re trying to get in touch with a customer ‘service’ representative in a faraway country trying to sort out an incorrect telephone bill whose first language you’re most definitely not English, your daughter tipping her paint trays, new carpets and you – your morning yoga. And despite meditating – totally lose it on her and make her tear up

Are you:-

A) Forgive yourself unconditionally and move on?

b) Think about it for constantly berating yourself for being a bad parent, and tell yourself that you’ve probably caused your child long-term deep psychological fear that – in 15 years – will result in them turning to drugs and blaming you for it?

c) Absolve yourself of all responsibility by blaming the stupid telecom person and repeating this story to your 3 year old daughter in the hope that she will somehow understand and forgive you?

See the point?? Is that little voice inside your head your friend or your judgmental bully constantly reminding you what you did wrong and why you should feel guilty and unlovable?

So maybe I’m exaggerating a bit then again maybe not?

But where does this judgmental thing come from and how do we move beyond it so that we can embrace ourselves unconditionally?

Think about it this way – up until about 2 years of age we usually can’t do anything wrong. Kids can vomit all over you, pee their pants, break things, make you cry all night and you’ll still love them unconditionally.

Then somewhere around age 2 you want them to do more things for themselves and you start to get a little annoyed if they don’t do them. For example, you want them to feed themselves and you get upset if they drop the food on the floor. You want them to cry in the toilet but they cry on the floor and you get upset.

Your message – with the best of good intentions – is “do it the right way (in other words how do I say it) and you’ll be a good boy/girl and parents will love you”.

Their response to the message is probably something like – “Hey wait a second I used to be able to do anything and you loved me now that’s all changed and I’ve been conditioned to do and be a certain way”

Reflection of the ontological model for past, present and future being.

We have stories in the past about how the world works and what is right and wrong etc Because we have a certain fixed view of how the world works and therefore what one must do and how one should be in order to ‘get ahead’ – we pass this on to our children. We tell them “this is the right way to do things, this is the right way to be” and our incentive for them to do and be this way is to recognize them for good things and discourage them for bad things. So our attention – and by definition our love – is conditional.

So fast forward to the adult hood and here we are with this little internal dialogue about what’s right and wrong and how the world works. If we do the right thing we do ourselves a ‘good job’. But if we do wrong then we call ourselves ‘bad girl/boy’. So the result is often ‘bad girl/boy’ you don’t deserve love and abundance.

Take it?

So come back to change yourself and change the world.

self mastery

Let’s take some responsibility here – it can be as convenient as blaming our parents for all our inner faults and therefore abdicating any responsibility and embracing the concept of victimhood.

If you want to change the internal stories you tell about yourself and what you think you deserve from life, the first thing to do is choose to love yourself unconditionally.

That is, whatever ‘bad’ things you choose to be in a loving place for yourself. Now I don’t mean you jump in and rob the corner store – that would be silly – remember Self Mastery is about taking responsibility and taking action to change yourself and change the world.

The ones we’ve been waiting for.

So, stop waiting and go.

Choose to love yourself unconditionally.

Recognize where the negative self-talk comes from. Acknowledge that your parents and those who influenced you during your formative years did the best they could.

Forgive them!

And that doesn’t mean you should ignore any negative things you might do or be. Acknowledge what I’m saying and redirect.

“Even though I yelled at my daughter today and made her cry, I chose to forgive myself and love myself unconditionally, and I set my intention to be calmer, loving, and less reactive in the future.”

The starting point is selected. Judgment and negative stories about yourself will lead you straight into a past/present loop that will only perpetuate your old life. And as I’ve written before, as soon as you start telling the negative story of how ‘bad’ you are, a series of pasts will begin to flash before your eyes giving you a recapitulation of evidence as to why it’s true.

But yeah it’s just a story remember?

So – standing here fully admitting what I’ve done and the story I have about myself but I choose to face the future and love myself unconditionally.

“Keep your face in the sunlight and you will see no shadow” – Helen Keller

In other words “I see what I did or how I was but it’s not me, it’s not who I chose to be and I resolve to move forward to try to create a different future.”

When you choose to love yourself unconditionally and choose not to berate yourself for your failures but acknowledge and redirect them, you change the story about what you deserve from life.

If you constantly tell yourself where you went wrong and what a bad person you are, the result is that you don’t believe you deserve much from life and so – guess what – you get!

Choose to love yourself unconditionally and take responsibility for making yourself bigger and suddenly you have a lot more room for what you deserve out of life. If you’re not such a bad person, you deserve more. If you focus on doing the right thing and start emphasizing the positive, maybe you deserve more out of life?

So – how to transfer all this?

Really simple:-

1) Choose to love yourself unconditionally

2) Be aware of the stories you tell about yourself and when you are bothering yourself

3) Accept these stories then rewrite them according to what you want

4) Practice asking ‘What exactly am I doing?’

As a result, you will change your relationship with yourself.

The beautiful and surprising result is that you will change your relationship with others. Instead of projecting your crap onto them and being conditioned in your love for them, you will be able to hold a space of unconditional love.

That is, instead of loving someone as long as they act a certain way towards you – you can choose to love them regardless of how they are or what they are doing. This way you set the tone for your relationship and hold a truly loving space for them.

And thus love becomes divine power. Divine power enough to change the world.

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