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How Couples Can Communicate Over Sex

Images and stories of women apparently enjoying sex abound in fictional media. Even a reactive woman, who experiences orgasm through masturbation, doubts the inevitable conclusion from her own experience. But it is much more difficult for women who never experience orgasm. They have nothing to replace fiction with. Most women conclude that these imagined experiences must be true for some unspecified other women. At the same time, all the arrogance and bravado lead others to conclude that it’s all a hoax. But this is not to promote personal conclusions.

There is no reliable source of sex information. So women never know what they can realistically expect from their sexual experience. Women themselves rarely honestly compare notes on sex. Most women are too embarrassed to discuss sex. But women also have a natural desire to present themselves as sexually attractive and normal women. Women interpret their experiences in different ways. Some, especially young and inexperienced, reflect men’s view that sex is wonderful. Others find it does little for them. But only positive views are actively promoted.

Sex is very important to men and thus non-negotiable. As long as a woman is fit for intercourse, a man assumes she is happy, even if her behavior suggests otherwise. Men use silence and displays of affection or simply a couple’s routine to initiate sex. They then indicate their displeasure when sex is not offered using mood-like behavior rather than frank discussion. Men use pressure to get their own way.

Many people struggle with being honest about their feelings and intentions. We don’t want to admit our weakness and need for reassurance. We feel the only way to protect ourselves and retain some dignity is to remain silent. Silence is a way to avoid conflict but emotionally involved feelings make discussing sex more difficult. Men prefer to take risks while women prefer to avoid risks. Men are more likely to drink alcohol, gamble, seek sensuality and engage in dangerous activities. Women open up to others more easily because they feel less guilty. A man does not want a woman to control his behavior or how he spends his time. A woman does not want a man to control her body and what it is made of.

We tend to keep our personal thoughts to ourselves. But over the decades, problems arise and these need to be talked about or resentment builds. Men learn that women will often refrain from a strong point of view. Women suggest what they want instead of fist fighting. But men interpret women’s more conciliatory approach as a sign of weakness. Most couples resort to silence. A couple needs to be very brave to develop more explicit forms of communication. Ultimately it’s easier for a man to look elsewhere instead of investing in communication if he’s not getting the sex he wants.

Most cohabitation options require some negotiation. It is difficult to consent or object in the middle of sexual activity. Communication about sexual pleasure ideally happens after sex, when a couple can compare notes on what worked and what to try next time. It takes a much higher level of trust and communication to discuss ways to share our sexual fantasies with a partner during physical sex play.

A more experienced man is wary of suggesting sexual play because he anticipates a woman’s disapproval. Instead of accepting defeat, a man may take the initiative to explore his lover’s body to see what she will let him do. Few women are actively involved in genital stimulation, so men become accustomed to taking the initiative and assume the responsibility is theirs.

Couples don’t clearly discuss the turn-on and stimulation a woman needs for sexual excitement. A man seeks emotional acceptance through sex. Associates his need to please his lover with his offer of sex. If a woman doesn’t say anything, a man assumes she must have had an orgasm. Women often stop a man who excites her because he’s had enough. Some men interpret this behavior as a sign that a woman is ‘satisfied’.

A young man’s sexual needs can overcome any shyness he may have in asking for sex. But over time a woman’s body language becomes less and less welcoming and her boredom becomes more apparent. The couple stops having sex but they never discuss the situation. If a couple isn’t having sex, a man needs to invest in some understanding of what a woman wants.

Sex is most rewarding for a woman in the romantic scene of a new relationship. Initially a man’s obvious pleasure in intercourse with her, gives the woman emotional reassurance of need. Later, sex becomes more routine. It’s time for couples to invest in communication. Sex doesn’t offer the same emotional rewards to women as it does to men. Sex gives pleasure to a woman.

A woman wants a man to invest in activities other than intercourse that add some variety to the couple’s sex life. A man should think about how to make sex more varied by planning ahead. He also has to invest at the right time. For women, intimacy is much broader than sex. A woman feels that a man cares when he is interested in her concerns.

One person spoke of this ditch ‘My own Gulf War… 6 inches between us in bed feels like 1,000 miles!’ (Bettina Arndt 2009)

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