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He Might Leave Me Because He Doesn’t Feel Loved And Respected – What Should I Do?
I often hear from women whose husbands have problems or complaints of some sort in their marriage. Usually, the complaint is so big or troublesome that the wife worries it will lead to separation or divorce. I recently heard from a wife whose husband was alluding to the fact that the marriage no longer gave him what he needed to feel happy, respected, and secure. In fact, the husband was telling his wife that being married to him was draining him emotionally.
She said in part: “My husband told me that I don’t feel loved and respected in our marriage. He says that I constantly take him for granted and seem to put my own needs before his. He says it’s clear that I’m more about myself than he is. More caring because I only care about my own feelings. He told me I never ask him how he feels or what he wants. He says I act on what I want and I never listen to him. . or ask her opinion about something and she starts to think she doesn’t matter to me as needy, but she’s acting like that now. It’s like I want her constant reassurance. I try to give her that, but She says it might be too little too late because she doesn’t want to be in a marriage where she doesn’t feel like an equal partner. What can I do to show her that she is being overly dramatic because I love and respect her? Because I constantly praise and reassure her. I do not bombard it with It doesn’t mean there is a lack of affection and love.”
In the next article, I’ll offer some insight into why your husband might feel this way and what you can do to combat it.
Whether or not you believe your husband’s assessment is correct, listen and offer your validation: In this situation the wife was a little annoyed with her husband because she suddenly needed a lot of hand holding that she had never wanted or needed before. He felt he was a little needy and the whole thing was silly. While this is understandable, it’s my experience and belief that anytime your husband is upset enough about something to approach you about it, it’s worth not only listening, but also offering validation and action. Don’t you want him to do the same for you? In this situation, the husband was upset enough that he actually told the wife that he did not want to be in a marriage where he did not feel loved and respected. This is an incredibly powerful statement that should not be ignored.
Even though the wife felt that she was being a little dramatic, she probably shouldn’t let her husband know that she felt this way. Instead, he should be listened to without interruption or judgment and given some physical support. He should look at her as she talks, hold her hand if possible, and lean in so she knows her concerns are being heard and prioritized. Then, it’s always a good idea to repeat what’s been said so the other person knows you’re not just listening, but trying to figure out exactly how to proceed. You can also ask some direct questions like: “What can I do to make you feel more loved and valued? What kinds of things would help you feel more secure and respected?” Anything you can do to get very direct and directed information will make your job much easier.
Be careful about your voice. It probably took a lot of internal debate and struggle for your husband to come to you about this concern. You don’t want to feel sorry for him that he brought it up. You want him to know that he can bring any concern to you and that you will do your best to fix and resolve it because you love him and want him to do the same for you.
Ways to make your husband feel loved and respected: Now that we’ve discussed what your response should be, let’s discuss what to do after you have this conversation The wife wasn’t sure how to behave around her husband after his announcement. She felt that he had always shown her a decent amount of love and respect. She wondered if he expected her to cuddle or nurse because she definitely didn’t want to do either of those things.
The key here is to listen to the husband’s verbal cues. He spelled out a lot to her when he said that he never really listens and that he acts without taking her ideas, feelings or wishes into account. Basically he wanted to listen and then be part of the process. Honestly, that’s not asking too much.
Going forward, the wife may just start watching her interactions with her husband very carefully. Every time he had a chance to truly listen to her, he should take full advantage of it. No one is saying she has to be overly sympathetic, but men and husbands are no different from us in this regard. Sometimes, we think that because they seem physically strong, they don’t necessarily need our reassurance and attention as much as we need them. This assumption is not correct. They want to feel loved, heard, validated and respected just like we do. And sometimes, because they are the closest people to us, we assume they know how we feel when they think it would be nice if we showed them once in a while because they take it for granted.
Everyone wants to know and believe that their spouse really stops, listens and understands how they think and feel and then responds accordingly. Honestly, listening really carefully is one of the greatest gifts you can give your spouse. This one simple thing can improve your marriage. So listening will be the first place I put my attention, focus and priority. Then, the wife should involve the husband more in any decision-making process. What seems so small and insignificant to the wife is obviously a big deal to the husband. He shouldn’t adjust too much to include more.
Finally, so that the husband no longer takes for granted, the wife should focus on showing a little more physical and emotional affection, including vocal gratitude and attention. Doing these three things will hopefully start to improve the situation. Quick and decisive action is really important because people who feel unappreciated and taken for granted often internalize and overreact to even the slightest slight. So it may be important (at least at first) not to give him anything to reinforce these negative feelings.
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