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My Husband Still Works With the Woman He Had an Affair With

I get tons of emails from wives trying to heal themselves and their marriages after an affair. There are many common roadblocks or places where we get “stuck” and can’t move forward. A very common one that I see with great frequency is a situation where both parties want to save the marriage, but the husband still works with the woman he had an affair with. This is a difficult situation on many levels because it’s a constant reminder of the relationship and constant communication with someone that you don’t want your husband anywhere near. This article will discuss how I believe you should best handle this situation.

Best case scenario when your husband works with his ex-mistress: If I had my way, I would want hubby to get another job sooner. No good can come out of working with the woman he cheated on you with. Even if he is fully committed and determined to save your marriage, it is not healthy for him to see (and even communicate with) her every day. It’s hard for you too, because the doubts and insecurities you already have are going to multiply just knowing that he sees her every day.

I understand that in today’s economy it can be difficult to walk away from a job. I understand that your husband cannot do this and still be a responsible family provider. However, perhaps he may ask for a transfer outside his department or he may apply for openings in other departments of the company. At the very least, he should take some concrete steps to get out of there, whether it’s sending out resumes for other companies or applying wherever he can within the same company (where he doesn’t have direct contact with).

No matter what he does, it’s important that you know he’s making constant efforts to limit and end his contact with her. Many companies have very strict policies regarding fraternization among coworkers, not to mention sexual harassment issues and policies. So, it is very important (for many reasons) that your husband remove himself from this situation as soon as possible.

What if he can’t quit his job and work with another woman?: I understand that sometimes there are going to be situations where your husband can’t get out of working with him (at least for a while.) Finding a new job or moving within a company takes time. So, there may be a period where he is stuck until he can take steps to get out.

Still, it’s very important that he makes it very clear that the relationship is going to be a very limited affair (and hopefully for a short time.) He needs to make it very clear to her that communication is going on. Extremely limited and must be on a professional basis. It’s best for her to be very brief with this message, saying only what needs to be said and removing yourself from her and the situation. He must be very confident about this, avoiding eye or physical contact. This meeting should be very brief and matter of fact. This should be the last time they really have to talk about this. In future, he should only be contacted by email, fax or short communication on professional matters. (Written communication protects your husband from any complaints—there is only a written record of brief, professional exchanges.) Face-to-face contact between them should be limited.

Many husbands will tell me “But dealing with her is part of my job,” or “I have to work closely with her,” or “We’re partners, there’s no point in getting close.” Well, the truth must be made sometimes hard choices. If you are constantly dealing with this woman and your wife has to constantly worry about her, your marriage cannot be fully healed. You must remove yourself by any means necessary. Your first choice should be to get a new job and you must pursue it until you reach this goal. Until then, your wife should see you doing everything possible to limit contact with this woman. If communicating at work is a necessary evil (just for now) then make sure you are responsible and strictly limit both the tone and timing of your communication.

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