Is The Movie M.O.M Based On A True Story Where Is My Village? – Why Modern Day Parenting Sucks

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Where Is My Village? – Why Modern Day Parenting Sucks

a bad mother

We love listening to music in our home from classical to metal; Angry from the country; and everything in between. A good jam can lighten the mood, fill a void and be a good excuse to do some cardio. So when I first heard James Brown’s “The Boss” while driving to work; I couldn’t wait to play it loud in my living room, bopping with my kids. However, I’m learning that kids have a way of undermining your good intentions. They really know how to just talk crap over all your dreams. When you try something fun you think they’ll like, they don’t. Or what they actually take away from the activity is not what you planned…

So I played the song; Be-bopping and good times were had by all. I sang along to my favorite line: “Look at me! You know what you see? You see a bad-mother! A bad-mother.” Groovy right? Right up until my almost three year old started babbling about ‘bad mom’ – how they live in the woods, say “roar” and are generally very scary critters. Chitan! I’m already a bit insecure and overly concerned about what people think of my parenting.

So I joked about it with everyone (seriously). I told them about “The Boss” and that if they hear my child talking about a bad mom, he’s not really talking about you. Hee hee! Cute! My lack of foresight aside; The situation is a bit poetic. Why do I feel like I’m not good enough? -Though when I think about it, I’m doing great! My children are smart, healthy and happy. We have a happy, normal family. So why the guilty conscience? Why do I feel like I’m under investigation?

It has been a process of letting go of insecurities. I’m learning to recognize the thoughts of impending failure, the self-criticism that stems from comparing myself to other moms. My kids are happy Even if we don’t do a clever project every day. I am good as a parent Who has more time to garden and preserve food. I certainly can’t cook: but I can learn.

On social media, we want to put our best face forward, which is mostly what we see from other moms and dads. So I’m comparing myself to people who don’t exist! – They are mine ideas What would be a ‘perfect parent’. Although I feel insecure for these reasons, I am alone with my children for most of their lives. Perhaps, if I had more friends and family in my everyday life, I would have had real examples and experiences to base my parents on. – Not to mention time-out me And not just my kids.

It takes a village

I know I’m not the only new parent feeling this way; I have an idea of ​​a reason for this: Parenting is much harder than we expected, and we’ve lost our proverbial ‘village’.

Everyone knows the saying: “It takes a village to raise a child.” The phrase is widely believed to have originated in Africa; Others believe it has its roots in Native American culture. Either way, this well-known saying comes from a time and place where people lived communally. It was a world where one’s neighbors were also close friends and family; Where everyone played, worked, mourned and celebrated together – always together. Today our society is divided. Most families are islands, as we usually have an every-for-ourselves mentality. I think community is very lacking, and makes us increasingly sad.

I long for the long-ago times when families lived and worked together. As an honest-to-goodness kid of the ’80s, I too long for a distant past: when neighbors and friends gathered for barbecues and card games. – Before internet, TV, smart phone ruined everything. Please understand I’m not anti-technology: it’s a wonderful thing, especially as a new parent, to have all the answers at your fingertips. Support groups and forums can be extremely helpful. However, it’s no secret that while these tools have closed a lot of distance between us all, it can also drive a wedge between people in the same room.

We still need our aunts and uncles, cousins ​​and grandparents. They have been replaced by digital babysitters. It was “come play with aunty so mommy can do the dishes.” Now it’s “You want to watch another movie? Okay I guess so…”

Actually visiting people is tiring. I have to plan. Dress up the kids, bring extras, bathe them and dress them up. When we go to other people’s houses, I spend most of the time chasing and scolding the children. Too little sitting, or incessant conversation (the much-needed adult kind). There is chaos. We get home cranky and tired. I temporarily quit leaving my house until they are in high school. Maintaining a healthy social life with multiple young children is very difficult… and I’m lucky to have more help than most.

All the help I can get.

I am one of the lucky ones: I have an amazing husband. I know many don’t have that life-preserver when treading the unpredictable rough waters of parenthood. (To you single parents: I tip my hat.) We are very thankful for my in-laws who live right up the street from us. They are always right and eager to help. I am also grateful for my mother: she lives a few towns away but will always come to my helper: I have to work or am having a bad day. These people among others make up my ‘tribe’.

Even though I know I have a ton of support, it’s still not enough. There are days I want to pull my hair out. I just don’t want days -mom- For a while. I mutter: “I don’t have the patience for what I was thinking, I didn’t know anything about babies when I put them both so close, I suck at it…” I lost my temper. I screamed. I took her by the hand and led her to the time-out chair. I screamed.

So I apologize. Again and again I ask these beautiful little monsters to forgive mama. He is doing his best. She was nothing like the mother she imagined herself to be, when she was ignorant. He is asking: “Where is my village?!”

The perceived struggle is real

I saw a funny thing that read something like: I was the perfect parent, before I had kids. I couldn’t have said it better myself. I know the people who judge me the harshest are the ones who don’t have their own little life-sentences. I know this because I was one of those people. “When I have kids they’ll never misbehave because I’ll be tough and consistent. That’s right?” I think: “People are more ignorant than me, having babies every day – we get it!” I didn’t know about the lack of sleep, the last drop of patience running out. I didn’t plan on potty-training and public disobedience. (I didn’t plan on coming up with a debilitating chronic illness, but that’s a story for a different article)

Early in my pregnancy with baby number two, I knew a woman who also had two daughters about 15 months apart. When I told him I was pregnant again, a very worried look came across his face. She told me about being overwhelmed. Very frustrated, she shouted at her children. “Eat!” I thought: “I will never yell at my kids!!” Ha. ha ha Ha

Another close friend had a mild breakup one night: she walked out of her house, got into her car, and left without telling her kids or husband. He checked into a hotel room, and so checked out of life for a minute. It was a difficult time that he has passed with flying colors since then… But I ask: where was his village?

I propose a solution

I think as mothers we are afraid to ask for help because it feels like admitting inadequacy. We don’t want people to know we’re in over our heads some days. We absolutely can’t admit for a second that we’re not super-moms 24/7. We get angry: we get sad. Many of us are on anti-depressant/anxiety medication.

I want to do something about it: I’m setting a personal goal to invite a friend over to my house once a week. I used to complain that people never came to see me, until I realized that maybe I didn’t actively invite them. I often prioritize visiting a family member (as tiring as that can be). I’m going to start promoting group activities focused on completing challenging projects:

  • Window washing party

  • Gardening Get-Togethers

  • Wood splitting and irregular piles

  • Canning Shindigs

  • Yard Work Shenanigans

Bring on the wine and chocolate. Bring on the beer and bratwurst; Whatever the occasion and company calls for. Next week go to someone else’s place and help them with the project that is weighing on them. Just put it together. Not only is “many hands making light work,” but coming together with real people to achieve goals, no matter how big or small, is good for you, your family, and your community.

I will spend less time on social media. It makes us think we’re connecting—but we’re not. I will make phone calls and send cards. This summer I set myself this task: to encourage each other to get out of our homes and work together. Let’s build a village.

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