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The Steps to Getting a Husband Back During a Separation
Over the weekend, I received an email from a wife who told me she had read several of my articles that outlined how to get your husband back, save your marriage, and avoid divorce. He agreed and was excited about several of the suggestions I offered, but he wanted me to break it down a bit more for him. He asked for a “cheat sheet” outlining the specific steps a wife must take to win her husband back. So, in the following article, I will share with you the steps I have described for that.
Step number one to getting your husband back: Let the breakup work for you instead of against you:Here’s the biggest mistake I see women make. Once the husband actually leaves or initiates the separation, then the wife, quite understandably, panics and starts holding on even tighter. Now, the husband clearly wants a break now. That doesn’t mean he will always feel this way. But, right now, he wants some time to process and think about this situation. If you follow through on what you want to do and call, text, and put yourself in front of her every chance you get, you’ve already set it up so that you two are on opposite sides. This is not where you want to be.
I really understand that it’s 100% normal to want to know how and what he’s doing. You wonder where his thoughts and feelings are going and if they include you. Also, you worry that he’s going to meet someone else or decide that he’s better off without you. I know these things seem pretty risky and urgent. I know you feel terribly vulnerable right now. I know these things because I have been in the same situation. Because of this, I can tell you without a doubt that if you invoke these feelings and urges to follow him around you, he will likely resist it and see you as something that is coming to you. A way to get what he wants.
I know you probably understand this intellectually but have a hard time embracing it emotionally. If you have to, think this way. It’s in your best interest to act in a way that will make him want to come back to you. Deficits will further contribute to this. Just vow to take a break and do something else when you feel the urge to contact her again. Let time and space work for you instead of becoming another barrier between the two of you.
Step Two in Getting Her Back: Identify the perception problem you have and fix it in a positive way:Many people will not look at this process without seeing the problems they are facing and therefore must overcome. I know that there are multiple problems that this can lead to. You can’t fix them all while you’re apart, nor should you try. In fact, trying to fix everything will hurt your cause rather than help it. Because many times, men read that they have more work to do or more hoops they have to jump through.
In reality, your biggest problem right now is one of perception. Right now, he’s playing with the idea that he might be better off with you than without you. And, he wants this break because, in his mind, things can’t change—at least not in a meaningful and lasting way. So you have two obstacles. You want to show him that he is not better off without you. And, you want to show him that things can change. These two things may seem like a tall order, but fortunately, they are very similar and things that can help one, can also help the other.
Now, notice that I said you must fix these perceptions in a positive way. This is so very important. It’s just human nature (especially for men) to avoid or let go of things that come across negatively to them. Yes, we women think of it as passive aggressive. However, it is a reality that we must face. You will get much better results, and have a much easier time, if you focus and build on the positive rather than the negative. Focus on what’s right and what you can use to bring you closer.
Yes, breaking up is scary and probably not what you wanted, but if you let fear lead you to negativity, you’re only going to highlight what he’s already focusing on. Instead, you want him to focus on what’s good about you and what attracts him to you. And, there’s nothing wrong with improving your relationship—no matter the outcome. He is a very important person in your life and no matter what, you should want this relationship to be a positive one. It’s not as hopeless as you might think, because you already know what he loves about you.
So, this is precisely the thing that you want to show him right now. You want him to see the light-hearted, busy, dynamic and exciting woman he fell in love with and feared was long gone. Yes, it can be hard when your heart is broken, but you must do it for your benefit and the benefit of the relationship.
Step Number Three: Go slow and let her come to you when you can:Honestly, the kind of progress you’re looking for probably won’t happen overnight. And, you can’t come on too forcefully or you might scare her off. Continue to show him (or let it leak to him) that you are stepping up to be the best version of yourself. Stay busy and stay positive. This will often peak his interest. When this happens, start leading him. As I said, things that are scarce seem much more attractive and desirable than things that are abundant. It is a seemingly simple concept but it is very difficult to implement. However, if you play it right, it works most of the time, in my experience.
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